Sifting Thoughts

            I recently had a discussion about honesty which resulted in the conclusion that saying the first thing that comes into your mind isn’t honest. This flies in the face of many common ideas, because what is honesty if saying the first thing to come to your mind isn’t the most honest thing to say?

            I periodically see a post show up on my social media claiming that a study found that people who swear more are more likely to be honest. The logical connection being made is clearly that people who swear are more likely to be spouting whatever is on their mind, and that’s honest. Isn’t it? Well, let’s take a closer look at that.

            When you stub your toe on something, what’s the first thing that comes to your mind? Unless you’re a remarkably logical person, most likely the first thing on your mind in that moment is to be mad at the inanimate object you just stubbed your toe on, and be very angry at it for being there. If you were to shout out your anger at the object (as I’m sure you might), scathing it with the fury of the first thing that came to your mind, are you expressing your real and honest opinion on that object?

            Technically, the answer is yes; in that very specific and precise moment, those horrible things you shout at that poor innocent inanimate object are precisely what you are thinking about it. But, that opinion is fleeting and won’t last. It fades with the pain, leaving you feeling a little silly for shouting abuse at something that doesn’t even have ears – and which you probably put there in the first place. Unless you’re a remarkably stubborn person, you’ll most likely even admit to yourself that an inanimate object can hold no responsibility for the pain you just experienced. And, just like that, your totally honest response to stubbing your toes crumbles into meaningless lies that you spewed out in a moment of emotion. Your actual, honest opinion on that inanimate object and the part it played in causing you pain is the one that comes after letting the pain die down and taking the time to think about it.

            Now, naturally, there isn’t that much trouble with shouting at inanimate objects – unless, of course, it’s fitted with some very sophisticated Artificial Intelligence – but consider if it had been an impressionable child you’d tripped on when you fell and hurt yourself. Why you left a child lying on the floor is beyond me, but that initial, ‘honest’ response of yours could do everlasting harm.

            Let’s take a look at prejudices. These are ideas that we’ve been trained into believing, sometimes since childhood (possibly by having them shouted at us after having been tripped over). We look at someone, and we instantly make certain decisions about them based on how they look, how they’re dressed, how they move – anything. As an enlightened person, you are aware of at least some of your prejudices and know them to be untrue (and, frankly, in some cases, ridiculous. I mean, seriously, just because it’s a spider, it doesn’t mean it’s out to murder you). Yet, there’s that trained piece of your brain that throws the prejudice to the forefront of your thoughts. If you voice that prejudice, because it’s what’s right on your mind, you won’t be being honest – because your honest opinion comes after all that hard work you’ve put in to quashing that horrible prejudice (spiders are people too, you know).

            So, speaking what is on your mind clearly isn’t inherently honest. I would call it impulsive, and only honest out of happenstance or if the person you’re conversing with asked about the first thing that came to your mind. Honesty is what you get after you’ve taken the time to form well-reasoned thoughts.

            That, in itself, is something of a revelation, isn’t it? True honesty doesn’t come from impulsively speaking what you happen to be thinking; in fact what you say can become more honest by sifting it through mental filters before speaking.

Check out my YouTube channel where I tell the stories of my D&D campaigns.

Click here to find the charity anthology containing a couple of my short stories.

Also, make sure you check out my wife's blog and her website.


If there's any subject you'd like to see me ramble on about, feel free to leave a comment asking me to do so.

Honestly

Why is it that we encourage so much dishonesty in our society? We hypocritically spout that honesty is always the best course of action, but we turn around and punish honesty – and reward dishonesty.

Let’s take the familiar story of the child breaking a vase. If the child admits to breaking the vase, they are most likely going to get into trouble. If the child lies about breaking the vase, and get found out, they are most likely going to get into trouble. So, the best solution available is to learn to lie really well to stay out of trouble, because, from the child’s perspective, that is the only possible way of avoiding getting in trouble.

But it’s not as simple as just truths and lies. We then get trained to hide things about ourselves that we think others will judge us for. This behaviour is encouraged by the teasing that occurs when we reveal our interests. You like what team? You play what game? You like what? So we learn to hide and be dishonest about what we like – and maybe even join in with teasing others for what they like.

Going in even deeper, we discover that being honest in any social situation is, in fact, rude. Are you ready to go home before the party is over? Wait until you have an appropriate opening. Did you hate the food you were fed? It would be rude to tell the person who made it, so lie. Did something upset or hurt you? Hide it. How are you feeling? It doesn’t matter; be cheerful and happy.

Everywhere you turn, you’re expected to lie. Unless everything in your life fits into a specific box, you have to lie. But, don’t do that! Be honest. Honesty is the best way.

Why do we do this? Why do we train people to be dishonest about everything, yet expect them to be honest? Most of us don’t have that much to hide, at least not that’s actually worth hiding. Sure, it would be a dramatic shift, but wouldn’t it be nice to see a world where honesty is actually valued?

The biggest concern with a world like that is that people would constantly be getting offended by the truth – as if the whole world is going around secretly hating everyone they interact with. There may be an element of truth in that, but if there is, I think it’s inherent in this society built on dishonesty. We put so much faith in this judging of others that our entire outlook on the world is inherently negative. And, can we trust it when other people say they like us? Of course not, because if we didn’t like someone, we wouldn’t tell them to their face.

If we were to strip away the dishonesty, and really practice what we preach, there would likely be a massive shift in our entire world views. Our outlooks could turn from inherently negative to inherently positive.

It would take a lot of work over several generations, but if we taught acceptance and encouragement rather than teasing, and if we taught honesty – both delivering it and expecting it – we could, perhaps, finally practice what we preach.

Honesty is the best policy. Honestly.

Check out my YouTube channel where I tell the stories of my D&D campaigns.

Click here to find the charity anthology containing a couple of my short stories.

Also, make sure you check out my wife's blog and her website.


If there's any subject you'd like to see me ramble on about, feel free to leave a comment asking me to do so.