Laughing at the Pain

            It has occurred to me that in our culture there is a distinct link between humor and bullying. Or, rather, a lot of out humor comes from one form of bullying or another – and it just might be that this leads to bullying for the sake of humor.

            Let’s start with the most obvious one: slapstick. This is a type of humor based entirely around pain being caused to other people in humorous ways – such as accidentally getting struck from behind by someone carrying a long plank and getting pushed headfirst into a bucket of whitewash. Although a more modern version would be the videos of people accidentally hurting themselves that make up a large portion of the viral photos on the internet. We watch these things, and we laugh, believing it is harmless – either it was staged, and no one was really hurt, or it was some hurt to someone in the past and it wouldn’t have been posted on the internet if it wasn’t okay to laugh at them.

            Is it so harmless, though? We are witnessing pain, and laughing. More than that, we go on to share it with others – family, friends, children – and encourage them to laugh as well. It seems to me that this could very well desensitize people to the pain of others, and even encourage violence – because it’s funny. Especially when it happens to someone we think deserves it.

            Teasing is another one – it’s very common for people to playfully tease those they are close with. Again, it’s often harmless – or at least meant to be. But sometimes it goes too far. Sometimes the person being teased doesn’t even mention they’ve been hurt, so no one knows that it’s gone too far. Other times, the person says something and proceeds to get teased for having been hurt. We cause pain or embarrassment, then we laugh. It might not be so bad if we kept it to ourselves, but we then pass it on to the most impressionable people around us, who carry it on and spread it. Causing pain in certain ways then becomes synonymous with amusement, and leads to bullying.

            We can see more examples in the comedies we watch. We have shows that normalize making fun of certain cultures. How often do you see nerds being made fun of for being weird? How often do you see jocks being made fun of for being stupid? How often do you see mental illnesses being used for comic relief? And we take all of that back out into the world and spread it around – because it’s funny, and if it’s funny, it can’t really be bullying, can it? Meanwhile mental illness is stigmatized and people find themselves ostracised because of their interests.

            I think we all need to take a very good look at the things we find funny and consider, why are we laughing? More than that, we need to consider the harm that might be caused by passing this specific sense of humor on to younger generations – keeping in mind that they won’t necessarily understand the subtleties of the joke.

            Above all, we need to ask, is this humor, or is it bullying?

Check out my YouTube channel where I tell the stories of my D&D campaigns.

Click here to find the charity anthology containing a couple of my short stories.

Also, make sure you check out my wife's blog and her website.


If there's any subject you'd like to see me ramble on about, feel free to leave a comment asking me to do so.

Fear Always Works

            “Fear always works.” I watched Zootopia for the first time today and was impressed by how filled it was with social commentary, but that particular line in the movie (said by the villain) stood out to me. It’s true; fear always works. But, what if it didn’t?

            One of the reasons fear always works so well is because it’s instilled in us from childhood. Why? Because it always works and, quite frankly, is the easiest way to control someone. Why don’t we touch the things that will hurt us? Because we will be punished with something that we fear. Why don’t we eat the things that will make us sick or damage us in the future? Because we will be punished with something we fear. Why do we obey the rules set forth by parents to keep us safe or to keep them from worrying about us? Because we don’t want to be punished with something we fear.

            It continues on into the school system (we do schoolwork because we fear the consequences of failure), then into the work force (we do whatever we’re told, even sometimes when we know we shouldn’t, for fear of getting fired) and even our entire social structure (we obey the laws out of fear of fines and jail). Everything is predicated on fear. So, is it such a surprise that fear is used so much to control people?

            Okay, so the question then becomes, why do we always use fear? Quite simply, because it’s so easy. Look at sheep herding. With the right amount of fear in the right place, the sheep will go wherever the shepherd wants. It’s the same with people – it preys upon our survival instincts, our natural desire to stay safe. And it takes so little effort.

            Children are taught that they are to follow the rules or they’ll be punished. This simple bullying is enough to keep them mostly in line. They will follow rules that make no sense to them, just because they fear the consequences. Parents see nothing wrong with this – and why should they? They were raised the same way, and it held true for everything in the rest of their lives.

            Now, of course, they could always try explaining the rules to their children. That way they would hopefully understand why the rules are there and why they should be followed. They could be taught to keep themselves to be safe, and to respect and understand the feelings of others. But that takes a lot of time and most people don’t believe children are capable of understanding – or remembering. But a punishment, that is easy to remember.

            Still, I can’t help wondering what the world would be like if we were all raised to be mindful and empathetic rather than fearful. Would the world be a better, more compassionate place? Or would fear tactics, on the occasions that people decided to use them, become even more powerful because we aren’t so used to dealing with it?

            Either way, it seems like fear will always continue to work. I guess what we need to do is raise people to overcome fears – that way, someday, fear will no longer work.

Click here to find the charity anthology containing a couple of my short stories.

Also, make sure you check out my wife's blog and her life coaching website.


If there's any subject you'd like to see me ramble on about, feel free to leave a comment asking me to do so.

Amazing Children

            Every now and then, usually while selling my wares at shows, I encounter children who amaze me with how smart and mature they are for their age. This weekend at ConBravo! I actually met two separate ones, each somewhere between the ages of seven and ten.

            The first came into my booth with one of her friends and they were admiring my various chainmaille products. The friend picked up a bracelet and exclaimed upon the price. This girl turned to her friend and admonished, “Don’t say that; they put a lot of hard work into what they make.” The friend then promptly assured me that she had only been expressing disappointment that she didn’t have enough money for the bracelet.

            This exchange astounded me, because I often get people (adults) who comment on how much various items cost – simply because they don’t understand the difference between something handmade and something mass produced in a factory. Yet, here was a child, obviously quite capable of making that distinction and aware enough to notice it.

            After this, it was incredible to have something similar happen a second time. Another girl, younger than the first, came to my booth, exclaiming on how beautiful everything was. The chainmaille shirt I had on display (it would be a full length dress on her) particularly caught her eye. She said it must have taken a lot of work and asked how much time it had taken and how many rings were in it. Then she started guessing at the price, saying “150, no, 200 dollars!” (obviously a large amount, especially to someone so young.) When I corrected her to $650, she, without hesitation, looked me in the eye and said, “It’s worth it.”

            To come across two children in the same show who are so aware of such things was something I thought impossible. It got me thinking, though, about how adults view children. We tend to assume that since they are smaller and younger than us, they still have a lot to learn. Following that thought, we often underestimate their knowledge and their ability to understand things.

            It makes me wonder how much our society holds children back from their potential. Not all of them, of course – everyone learns at different speeds – but it seems to me we group them into little boxes based on their ages and decide how much they are ready to know. It’s possible that, exposed to more information, they could learn far more. That’s what children are, after all – learning machines. The more information we give them, the more they absorb. Too often, I think, we decide they aren’t ready for things because they’re so young. Yet, there are eight-year-olds out there smarter and more mature than many people who have been deemed “adults”.

            I think it’s time to stop underestimating and talking down to children. If we allow them all the information they want and help them to learn at their own speed (rather than pushing them too hard in directions they aren’t interested or slowing them down because they “aren’t ready”), treating them as equals rather than inferiors, imagine what they could grow up to be.

Click here to find the charity anthology containing a couple of my short stories.

If there's any subject you'd like to see me ramble on about, feel free to leave a comment asking me to do so.

Workshopping with Homeschoolers

            Last Monday I had a delightful experience. My wife and I taught a chainmaille workshop for a homeschooling group.

            When I was first asked to run this workshop, I asked the mother who’d suggested the idea to have the kids look through my website to pick projects they’d like to learn. The reply I got was that they wanted to learn the techniques and be allowed to make what they wanted after that.

            This, in itself, was a bit of a challenge, since it’s hard to plan for such an unstructured lesson – particularly for materials. However, I also understood the benefit of allowing the children free reign with what they created.

            So I went and I taught a group of eight (including one of the mothers and the curator of the museum we were at) the basics, then stuck around to teach more to those who wanted to learn more patterns and help the others with what they were making on their own. It was a wonderful time – it felt like I was there having fun with a group of friends. It was also great to teach people so eager to learn.

            What impressed me most, however, was the only member of the group who didn't really take to the craft. He struggled with the pattern, but still gave it a good try. Instead of throwing a fit, like many kids his age would (and I could see the emotions that would accompany that written on his face), he tried his best and gave up when it became too frustrating.

            In response to this, where many mothers would scold him and tell him to keep trying, his mother thanked him for giving it a try and doing his best and gave no objection to him returning to playing with Lego (what they’d been doing before the workshop).

            I think this demonstrates one of the major advantages to homeschooling – there is a much greater level of respect and understanding between the parents and their children, since they spend so much more time together. Children are also encouraged to learn and ask questions, but not forced to learn if they don’t want to, which makes them more willing to learn. They even enjoy it! Whereas children in the school system usually rebel and take a great dislike for learning.

            I wonder if there is something our educational system can learn from this. Perhaps there’s away to teach children in large groups while respecting who they are instead of trying to change them to fit the system. It might even make a friendlier society at large.

            Oh, did I mention how polite homeschooled children are? At the end of the workshop, that same boy who had trouble learning made a point of coming up to me and thanking me for coming to teach. I'm looking forward to my next workshop with the group very much.

Click here to find the charity anthology containing a couple of my short stories.

If there's any subject you'd like to see me ramble on about, feel free to leave a comment asking me to do so.

Monsters from my Closet

            Today I shall tell you of the monster in my closet. Well, monsters, really. And they aren't there any more. At least, I hope not. They were dreadful.

            They’re funny things, though, monsters in closets and under beds. Where do they come from? My own observational skills tell me that they come from the half-shapes we see in the dark – things that are often made of the shadows and silhouettes of multiple items, making us wonder what we could possibly gave hanging from the back of the door that could look like that. On the other hand, common lore (backed up by a quick internet search) suggests that the monsters came as stories used to scare children into obedience. I suspect both are true.

            It’s an odd tradition, though, telling children there are monsters in their closets or under their beds and will eat them (or drag them off) if they don’t behave. Yes, fear is the easiest way to get anyone to do what you want (although far from the best and encourages bullying), but this particular story lacks a certain logic. I mean, really... if you want your child to go to sleep, do you really want them thinking there’s something lurking under their bed?

            That said, I'm quite confident my parents never told me there were monsters anywhere in my room. My brother might have, but I have no memory of it. So it’s strange that I actually had such monsters lurking about. It’s possible that my monsters were inspired by their common presence in books, movies and the minds of my friends.

            Regardless of how they got there, two monsters took up residence in my childhood closet. At first, there was only one. He would come out of my closet, searching for children who were still awake so he could eat them. Luckily, I was very good at pretending to be asleep.

            Unfortunately for me, I had a keen mind. I knew that everything in the world had an opposite, balancing factor. So, it was only a matter of time before my monster brought his brother along. His brother was a monster who only ate children who were asleep.

            Still, my luck hadn't run out (as can be told by the fact that I'm here today to tell you this tale). Neither of the monsters were very smart. They would go to opposite sides of my bed, so I was able to close one eye and keep the other open. This fooled one into thinking he was seeing an awake child (when he ate sleeping ones) and the other into thinking he was seeing a sleeping child (when he ate awake ones). They would inform each other of their findings, then switch places. All I had to do was switch which eye was open and which was closed.

            They would go back and forth for some time, getting frustrated and hungrier. Eventually they would give up and wander off, back into my closet, and I was finally permitted to go to sleep. After running this ploy for long enough, my monsters finally gave up and stopped coming.

            I have to wonder if they might still be out there somewhere, hunting unsuspecting children. Perhaps they merely fed off my imagination and, since they were unique to me, they faded from existence after I had defeated them. If you do happen to come across them, though, tell them “hi” from me and give them a wink.

Click here to find the charity anthology containing a couple of my short stories.

If there's any subject you'd like to see me ramble on about, feel free to leave a comment asking me to do so.

Imagination

            Imagination is a wonderful thing. I can’t imagine a world without it – and in a world without it, I couldn't imagine anything at all. So, I find it strange that imagination is so often labeled as a childish thing; something we’re supposed to grow out of.

            I think that a lot of people never stop to think about how much we actually rely on imagination. The truth is, we would have nothing without it. We would be hunters/gatherers living in caves without tools – because the first tool was just a thing that someone imagined could be used for something else. Homes, too, are a product of imagination. Someone imagined a way to create their own shelter, then they built it. I don’t even need to mention all the technology we rely on.

            Even our languages – spoken and written – came from imagination. Someone imagined a certain combination of sounds could paint a picture of a person, place, thing, or action. Then someone did the same thing with squiggles in the dirt or paint on a cave wall. What creative people they were!

            I’ll admit there is a down-side to imagination, and that’s fear. We can imagine all kinds of terrible things far worse than what is actually out there. As an example, the other night I turned out the light before going to bed, but instead of getting straight into bed like I usually do, I crouched down beside the bed and was as silent as possible. Colleen, who was already in bed, knowing that I was in the room somewhere and that I enjoy scaring her periodically, was terrified. She was sure I was going to jump out at her, although I told her later (and got swatted for it) that I had no intention of doing so because I knew her imagination could scare her far more than I could.

            But that’s one negative point, and it actually branches into a positive one – entertainment! What would life be without entertainment and how could entertainment exist without imagination? Everything from the simplest game to books and movies required imagination to create. So unless someone does nothing but eat, sleep and work, their lives rely on imagination in some way.

            All things considered, I think that imagination is the most valuable thing we have. Imagine that. If imagination is childish, then I’m perfectly happy to stay a child forever. A world without imagination is a world that shouldn't exist.

Click here to find the charity anthology containing a couple of my short stories.

If there's any subject you'd like to see me ramble on about, feel free to leave a comment asking me to do so.

 

The Editing Process

            I haven’t had a blog about my writing recently, so I thought I ought to change that. Since I finished writing my latest book last week (throw confetti!), I thought it would be appropriate to share what happens next.

            While I budget myself a year to write each of my books, that clock stops ticking when I write the last word of the book (usually with a couple months to spare). The process, however, does not stop there. That is when the editing starts.

            First, naturally, I read through the book myself, fixing all the typos I can find, smoothing out awkward sentences and such. Sometimes I need to rewrite sections that aren't good enough and occasionally there’s a minor plot hole to fix (for a while, in my second book, there was an object in two places at once). Once that’s done, I hand the book off to my wife, Colleen.

            Now, Colleen has a very special job while editing. Not only does she have to watch for the same flaws I did, but she also needs to fill in a few... blanks that I left for her. Blanks that tend to look like [INSERT DESCRIPTION], [DESCRIBE PRETTY SUNRISE] or [DESCRIBE DAY AT FAIR]. Plus she has to report back to me on her thoughts on the book (incidentally, two chapters into the latest one she has emphatically declared that this is my best book yet. Be excited).

            Then the book comes back to me to go through once again. I read the whole book again, making the same edits as before and making Colleen’s suggested changes, as well as editing her new parts (sometimes – although rarely – I send some back to her to be rewritten with, usually with specific requests). Oh, and I get to read her delightful comments, particularly on some of the references I made.

            Once I'm done that edit, the book goes off to my parents. I know this might seem cheesy to some people, but my parents (along with being awesome) are very talented and, while most parents will shower their children’s work with praise, mine have always been fantastic at providing wonderful feedback.

            My dad has done a fair amount of writing himself, and – back when he had more free time – he used to tell his great stories at schools and events. He is also a library technician and he reads a lot. Like me, he is the type of person who analyses a book while he’s reading it, picking up on the foreshadowing and guessing what’s going to happen next. He’s my best source of feedback on the book’s overall content. He’s stopped bothering with doing technical edits because my mom will catch all of those.

            My mom is one of those (despicable) people who are amazing at everything they do. She knows her grammar exceptionally well and, if she’s not sure on something, she takes the time to look it up. She also reads at a snail’s pace, making her an ideal line editor. By the time she’s done reading my book, I'm confident that there are next to no technical errors remaining. It’s definitely worth waiting the six (or more) months it takes her to read the whole book.

            With my feedback from my parents, I go through the book again, making even more changes. Then, it’s time to get down to business. I sit down with Colleen and we go through the book together, making it as perfect as we can. This is where the greatest conflicts in our marriage come from – we once spent over an hour arguing over the wording of a sentence. It was great.

            At long last, the book gets declared done and I get to work on getting it published, which will involve even more editing.

            Blogs, on the other hand, are much simpler. I usually skim through them once after writing them, then don’t bother with any editing until someone sends me a text of Facebook message to let me know I've got a bunch of typos. Thanks, editing types! All literature would be a lot messier without an outside eye to whip thins into shape.

            (P.S. I'm taking the liberty of not reading a single word I wrote in this blog. How did I do?)

Click here to find the charity anthology containing a couple of my short stories.

If there's any subject you'd like to see me ramble on about, feel free to leave a comment asking me to do so.

Don't Do Unto Others

            Anyone who has spent a large amount of time on the internet has, at one point or another, run into the trolls. Some are harmless jokers, some are pranksters who sometimes go a little too far and some are just bullies looking for someone to pick on.

            In most cases (the exception being some – not all – of the bullies), these people don’t actually intend malice – in fact, in my experience a lot of them don’t even know they are doing any harm! These are just people finding ways to entertain themselves and, unfortunately, people are hurt as a by-product.

            On occasion, these trolls are confronted about what they are doing. Their response is generally the same: they are exercising their right to free speech. They feel that being asked to stop imposes upon their own freedom.

            In a blog post earlier this year, I touched on the fact that true freedom can’t exist because, as part of a society of free people, having freedom comes with responsibilities. The biggest of which is to respect other people’s freedom.

            I recently came up with an excellent way of illustrating this point. As a general rule, people are legally permitted to defend themselves if they are attacked. In other words, if a person walks up to you and throws a punch, they are essentially giving you permission to hit them back.

            Technically that person is allowed to throw that punch – after all, having freedom means they’re free to do what they like. But it is also your freedom, as well as theirs, to not be punched. By violating your freedom through choosing to punch you, they are at the same time violating their own freedom by inviting you to punch them back.

            Therefore, the way I see it, by exercising their freedom, they are infringing upon their own.

            The same goes for words, spoken or on the internet, or any form of communication for that matter. Any time someone says something hurtful or offensive, they are infringing upon the very freedom they are trying to express.

            There’s a very old phrase used to explain this idea: “Do unto others as you would have done to you.” Very often it is interpreted as, “Do unto others what they done did to you”, better known as, “An eye for an eye.” The problem is that this just leads to a never-ending cycle. Think of kids having a poking war in a car, each one poking the other because they were poked first. Strange to think that adults behave that way – and countries, for that matter.

            So, next time you run across one of those cyber-bullies (perhaps the ones in real life, too), just laugh to yourself in the knowledge that with each nasty thing they say, all they are doing is undermining their own freedom, giving them a paradoxical existence. Then feel free to ignore them and move on because, as a paradox, they can’t possibly exist and are therefore not worth listening to.

            I'm thinking we could also change that “Do unto others” phrase into one more readily understandable. I'm in favour of “Don’t do to someone what you don’t want them to do to you because if everyone respects everyone else you never have to worry about getting hurt.” Okay, so it’s a bit of a mouthful, but it gets right to the point and doesn't leave much room for misinterpretation. Plus, in a few generations we’ll be able to say “Don’t do to someone” and the person doing the doing will instantly stop just so they won’t have to hear the rest of the saying.

Click here to find the charity anthology containing a couple of my short stories.

If there's any subject you'd like to see me ramble on about, feel free to leave a comment asking me to do so.

Nostalgia

            What is it about the past that we find so enthralling? It doesn't matter if it was good or bad; something always draws our minds to the past and somehow, the past was always better than the present.

            Nostalgia is such a fascinating thing, not because it exists, but because it exists in so many people. While I’ll freely admit that there is a lot of merit to the saying “They don’t make things like they used to” (don’t get me started on built-in obsolescence), was the past really better than the present?

            When I think back to when I was a child, I wonder at how easily I was entertained and how much fun I had with simple things. Swimming is a perfect example. My parents have numerous pictures of me swimming and having a grand old time. I remember having a blast pretending to be a dolphin or just paddling around. Now, however, I don’t see a point in swimming. There’s no purpose to it and, because of that, I no longer have fun.

            So, is swimming less fun now than it was when I was a kid? I find that doubtful. Swimming is an activity, it cannot change – but I can.

            What is it, then, that changes us as we grow older that makes us enjoy life less, or at least think we do? Is it growing up? Gaining more responsibility? Having greater knowledge?

            If I had to choose one, I would have to go with knowledge, because growing up is optional and in order to have responsibility you have to accept it. Knowledge is the one thing that is irreversible – once we have it, there’s no going back (well, at least not while you still have a healthy mind).

            Knowledge is important to our way of life and it’s supposed to be a good thing. So why does it seem like the more knowledge we have, the less we can enjoy life? I think it’s because we over-think things. We spend our time worrying about what other people think of us, what we could have done in the past to make the present better, when the next terrorist attack will come and what we can do to get a raise. Then we look back at our childhood selves and think, “Gee... I had it made back then.”

            The funny thing is that life isn't all that different now than it was back then. We just know more, which means we have to sift through a lot more before we can arrive at what we enjoy – or we don’t enjoy things because we don’t understand why we enjoy them.

            Instead of looking back at how great the past was, I think we should take all this knowledge we've accumulated and, rather than allowing it to make us think life is worse, use it to find ways of enjoying life more. We’ll never enjoy life the way we did when we were children – we have too much knowledge for that – but we can enjoy life differently. Not more, not less, but differently.

            Either that or we should accept that ignorance is bliss and go live in the trees like every kid wants to. After all, kids have it made.

Click here to find the charity anthology containing a couple of my short stories.

If there's any subject you'd like to see me ramble on about, feel free to leave a comment asking me to do so.